The following post contains excerpts from Week 3 of the Fortify Program. To find more useful tips to aid you in recovery, check out the full program.


Some days, freedom from this problem can seem far off. Especially for those who have struggled for a while, this can all start to feel like who we are as it becomes hard to imagine anything ever changing. At times, it can even feel difficult to want to change.

But you can. And you will.

Trust us.

Getting Started

It’s now time to take another step toward(s) that deeper, lasting change we’ve been exploring together.  Think back to the last moment when you used. What was happening right before—not at the level of external triggers—but deeper, in your own desires?

If we focus on that moment before using, many of us admit that – in spite of whatever else we believed or wanted—what mattered most was feeling something exciting right then. In that moment, at least, everything else was temporarily ignored or overlooked.

Isn’t that interesting?  Even if we genuinely hate being trapped by pornography or other unwanted sexual behaviors, in those kinds of moments we end up, yes—wanting and choosing these things on some level.

This is why we need to go deeper than outer change alone. Recognizing that more than simply something we use, porn is something we want, something we choose, and it’s something we can even start to love.

At some point, unwanted sexual behaviors can begin to infiltrate and compromise our own heart—our core desires, motivations, and intentions. If so, it may be important to spend some time exploring how something like pornography can hijack what’s going on inside us—emotionally attaching us to porn in a way that pulls us away from people or things we otherwise really care about in life.

Does that resonate at all?  If you’re like most people, your turning towards this stuff over and over has almost certainly involved giving part of your heart away.

If that’s true and you want lasting freedom, you’re going to need to do something big: you’re going to have to recapture your heart. That’s why we’re laser-focused in Fortify on helping move the mind and heart in a new direction.

Falling Out of Love With Porn

We talked earlier about how the heart starts to mold around pornography as we experience it more—and how ultimately, we can reach the point that urges to use feel indistinguishable from our own desires and even our identity. We’re talking here about reversing that process—moving in another direction where the strength of our emotional attachment to this stuff decreases to the point that we eventually “fall out of love” with pornography.

But let’s be honest: That breakup may not be easy. Part of you has fallen for this stuff—and that means you may have a real longing for it, like that bad relationship that everyone says is no good for you but you just can’t give it up!

Just like that bad relationship, it might take some work and time to get your heart to a place where it’s ready to give this stuff up. Especially if you’ve got a long habit of turning to porn over and over, you might need to be ready to practice the opposite for a while—rallying your heart over and over to turn away from this thing. That means fighting for your heart and battling to get your love back—doing whatever it takes, for as long as it takes to break out of that destructive love affair.

Your heart will need some place to go as well.  It’s not enough to just reject porn or other unwanted sexual behaviors; we need something to hold on to, something or someone to anchor us.

So what is that for you?  What in your life can you say you love more than pornography? Is there something—anything—that holds your loyalty and love more powerfully than porn?

I Love You More

At some point, you will need to find at least one desire more powerful than your draw towards porn. We’re reminded of one story of a man who struggled with pornography for years and took a sledgehammer to his computer in a moment of great desperation and desire to change. In a box with the broken pieces of his computer, he left a note for his wife that simply stated, “I love you more.”

Now, we’re not asking you to take a sledgehammer to your computer or anything. What we’re asking is simply this: Is there something or someone in your life you love more than those videos, those images, and those messages? Who or what is that?

Rather than trying to make ourselves feel something we don’t, this is about opening our eyes to the many things in life that already deserve our fierce love and passion.

This could include a person or relationship, a spouse, a mission, a dream – or even your relationship with a higher power. Most anchors fall into one of three different categories: people, passions, or purpose.

People: It is possible to become so fixed and set on getting away from pornography and other behaviors that we forget or ignore the people in our lives that we do, in fact, love more. What if we decide we’re not going to ignore them anymore? What if they became anchors for us in this fight?

Passion: Secondly, what are you passionate about—activities that make you tick or things you love doing? Although addictions can get in the way of our true passions, the opposite can also be true when our heart’s deepest passions start to overpower our pornography habits, counteracting an urge and anchoring us when we’re struggling.

Purpose: Third, a higher or bigger or deeper purpose can also help anchor us when we’re hit by urges. Do you have a sense of mission or calling in life to do something—a goal that you refuse to give up on? Some find purpose in family relationships, others in social causes or religious commitments. Whatever your purpose is, know this: addiction is the enemy to true purpose. They cannot co-exist and both succeed. Either one or the other will suffer and eventually give way.

It might take a while before your desire or love for this other person, passion or purpose is strong enough to anchor you in the face of the occasional storm that hits us. But that’s okay.  As long as you’re making progress in tying yourself to these anchors more and more, they can and will eventually hold you firm.

Trust The Process

As you train your heart over time—shaping and moving it in the direction of more loyalty and more passion for what you love most in your life—it will get easier and easier to stay away from this stuff.

Trust us.  You can get there.  If you’re not there right now—don’t hammer yourself.

Just keep moving.  And never, ever give up.

Remember that this is a real war. And it’s happening in your own heart and mind.